Ozaukee Living local
  • Home
  • Stories
  • Events
  • #LiveMusicLove
  • Wisconsin Theatre News

Once upon a time...​

You can get OLL stories delivered weekly if you subscribe here.
*​Photo by Nicole Sova

#EditorOfOzReviews: The Top Ten Worst Candy Ever Invented (Fight Me)

10/21/2021

4 Comments

 
Picture

By Mary Boyle

Candy and Halloween go together like popcorn and salt, but it wasn't always that way.  In the 1970's, parents seemed to suddenly come to the conclusion that factory packaged and sealed candy was the safest treat to hand out, instead of the homemade goodies that had been the norm since Trick-or-Treating became a tradition in the United States in the 1930's and 40's.  Over time, candy has been linked strongly to other holiday traditions, such as in stockings on St. Nick's, Advent Calendars, and Easter baskets.  Each of those holidays has candy that we associate with it; for instance, candy corn belongs to Halloween, while jelly beans and Peeps belong to Easter.  Then, in a brilliant stroke of marketing genius, those candy makers created red, white and green candy corn and jelly beans, as well as snowmen-shaped Peeps!  Honestly, is nothing sacred? 

Halloween is now considered the kick-off to the holiday season, but we could just as easily call it the candy season.  Over the years, I have discovered that candy is a topic that people often feel quite strongly about.  Being in the position I am in, as a writer, I feel compelled to share my own feelings about candy as a sort of social experiment to see if my views fall in line with local cultural standards.  Now, keep in mind that I do not consider chocolates like candy bars or peanut butter cups candy, unless they are in the form of something like an M&M.  So, without further ado, I shall reveal my list of the Top Ten Worst Candy Ever Invented, beginning with number 10, which is bad, and counting down to number 1, which is, in my humble opinion, absolutely vile.
​
Picture
10.  Milk Duds  Normally I like the combination of chocolate and caramel, but these tough little balls of chocolate coated caramel never fail to get stuck in teeth, not to mention that chewing them takes way too much effort.  Just thinking about getting through even a little Halloween box of them makes me tired.  That being said, if it was the only treat in the house, I would eat them if I was feeling desperate enough, which is why they come in at number 10.

Picture
9. Candy Raisins  I cannot, for the life of me, understand where they get the raisin in a candy raisin—they're more like a combination of beeswax and rubber.  Their ability to stick to teeth is more potent than even the Milk Duds, but they don't even have a great flavor to make it worth the trouble.  I wouldn't bother.

Picture
8. Candy Buttons  Not only are these nothing but blobs of colored sugar on some paper, the paper always gets stuck on the buttons when you tear them off, and then you're eating paper and colored sugar.  How could this possibly have stuck around this long?

Picture
7. Candy Necklaces  If the little candies on these necklaces don't break your teeth while you're trying to bite them off, it's a miracle.  When you do manage to bite one off, they don't even taste good!  You can't possibly eat it all in one go, so you've got saliva all over the other ones which then creates a sugar/saliva mix that gets on your clothing, not to mention what ends up sticking to the necklace, itself.  Absolutely revolting.

Picture
6. Smarties Lollipops  Okay, Smarties are bad enough—I always felt like I was eating Children's Tylenol—but these lollipops are like eating a chunk of mildly sweetened chalk, people.  When I was a child, you could buy one of these for a nickel at the Cedarburg Pool concession stand or you could buy a Now & Later, which is like a stale, hardened Starburst, but I would never, ever spend my nickel on this trash.  Never.

Picture
5. Necco Wafers  Right, so you already know how I feel about Smarties, and Necco Wafers are pretty much just giant, flatter Smarties in the same way that bologna is just a giant hot dog that has been sliced thinly.  The texture is just all wrong, here, almost as if the chalk of the Smarties has been combined with cardboard.  This is not something that should be consumed.

Picture
4. Tootsie Rolls  Tootsie Rolls are the ultimate parade candy—do you know why?  For one thing, they're insanely cheap, but also because nobody minds that they are likely going to be thrown out after rolling around in the dirt and puddles because most people wouldn't eat them even if they hadn't been on the ground.  I mean, are they chocolate?  Root beer flavored?  I really am not sure, but I do know one thing: they are not worth the calories.

Picture
3. Candy Corn  Does anyone really eat candy corn?  I don't think so.  I think we just use it as a Halloween decoration on cupcakes, cakes and crafts that aren't meant to even be edible, just as candy corn isn't meant to be edible.  Sure, the pumpkin shaped ones look cute on a dirt cake with Milano cookie gravestones, but nobody actually eats them, do they?

Picture
2. Wax Bottles  I'll never forget when my Dad brought these home to us kids—I couldn't even stand to bite all the way through the wax!  I had to tear it the rest of the way off to get the few drops of colored liquid inside, which still managed to be flavored of wax.  Why not just eat a candle with a few drops of sugar syrup?  These things are seriously revolting.

Picture
1. Circus Peanuts  One of my earliest memories is going to the Red Owl in Cedarburg with my mother and spying a bag of Circus Peanuts.  I had to have them.  I begged.  I pleaded.  My mother said, "You're not going to like them!"  "HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?!!" I wailed.  I won...sort of.  You see, I'll never forget the smug look on her face when she opened the bag at home and gave me a Circus Peanut.  I'll never forget what it felt like to put it into my mouth and begin to take a bite.  I never finished biting through the Circus Peanut, people; I just took it out of my mouth and handed it back to my mother in absolute defeat and disgust.  I was probably 4 or 5 years old and I have never had a Circus Peanut again.  I assure you, I never will.​
​

    Don't agree with this list?  Fight me!  Name what you think is the Worst Candy Ever Invented below:

Submit
4 Comments
Stephanie Friberg
10/22/2021 05:00:36 am

Taste good - but if you ever bite down on one you'll never get your jaws apart again.

Reply
Finnola
10/22/2021 12:18:37 pm

Tootsie rolls are a flavor unto themselves. I was shocked and dismayed that 4,3 and 2 on your list are some of my favorite candies! Wax bottles are a little acidic in your throat I’ll admit, but they do have a flavor of “fruity.” Candy corn just depends on the mood.

Reply
Anne A Kertscher
10/22/2021 05:24:25 pm

Never could last without biting a tootsie pop, but a BB Bat was impossible. I often wonder how many fillings were lost when eating one.

Reply
Chris
10/23/2021 07:01:21 am

This article was very informative.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    May 2025
    February 2025
    December 2024
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    December 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    July 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    March 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    April 2014

    Categories

    All
    Art
    Ballet
    Beer Garden
    Belgium
    Camps For Kids
    Cedarburg
    Citizen Action
    Classes
    Classes For Kids
    Coffee
    Community Events
    Concert
    Concert Series
    Dance
    Dinner
    Fall Fun
    Family Fun
    Farmers Market
    Farms
    Festival
    Fireworks
    Fish Fry
    Fundraiser
    Grafton
    Health
    History
    Holidays
    Lake Michigan
    Live Music
    Local Food
    Mequon
    Milwaukee
    Milwaukee River
    Newburg
    Night Life
    Open Mic
    Orchestra
    Outdoors
    OzEats
    Pancake Breakfast
    Parade
    People In Our Neighborhood
    Port Washington
    Reading
    Recipes
    Restaurant
    Run/Walk
    Saukville
    Sheboygan
    Shop Local
    Storytime
    Survey
    Theatre
    Thiensville
    Waukesha
    Workshop

    RSS Feed

Published By:

Picture

Ozaukee Living Local
A Community Supported Publication

OLL is always looking for Contributing Writers and Photography, which is an excellent way to highlight what your business or organization is doing in Oz.  Not a writer but have a Story Idea or Event Submission?  Just contact us at:
 [email protected]  

Contact Us

[email protected]

Join our mailing list today!  One email newsletter a week, every Friday, with everything you need to know about what's happening in Oz.  
Subscribe Now
  • Home
  • Stories
  • Events
  • #LiveMusicLove
  • Wisconsin Theatre News